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Starting a new job, or your first one, where you are part of an office is a daunting process - especially for an introvert. A new place, new faces and names to remember, and lots of awkward âTell me about yourselfâ conversations. Everyone is trying to work you out, see where youâre going to fit in, and fit you into the pecking order.Â
I know this is something a lot of people - not only introverts - dread. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who recently joined a large marketing firm. She asked me, âHow are you so confident at your work? When I open my mouth it seems like no one listens, so I just have stopped contributing ideas.âÂ
I considered my reply carefully because her questioned resonated with me so profoundly. I was instantly transported back to my first few weeks at work where I was constantly nervous, operating in my own little bubble that I was super afraid to break out of.Â
What if they think Iâm an idiot.
So how have I gone from that, to where I am today - MD of a spinoff business I helped start, conducting interviews, negotiating deals in meetings and doing lots of grown-up things.
The 5-Whyâs Technique
Confidence in the work-place comes from confidence in yourself.Â
Itâs almost impossible to exude an aura of confidence at work if deep down you are insecure about your abilities. So donât be.Â
If youâre an insecure person, like I was (and still am to an extent), do a deep dive and go to the root of those insecurities.Â
This is something I did myself and worked a dream in helping me rationalize my fears of being inadequate. Thereâs a method I learned during my studies as a mechanical engineer for problem solving that I applied here quite successfully.
The 5-Whyâs technique was first used in Japan by Sakichi Toyoda. Toyoda developed the technique for his company, Toyota - you might have heard of them. Toyota still uses it to problem solve issues today.Â
The just of it is that you start with the problem youâre facing and ask Why? five times until you get to the root of the issue. Then you can go about solving the root cause by providing a counter-measure so the symptom (five levels up) will be fixed.Â
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Hereâs an example:
Problem: I battle to voice my opinion during group meetings
Why do I battle to voice my opinion during group meetings?: I am insecure about talking out loud in front of people.
Why am I insecure about talking out loud in front of people?: I am afraid of being wrong.
Why am I afraid of being wrong?: I think it will make me disliked.
Why am I afraid of being disliked?: Hmm. I like being popular? I am afraid of destroying my ego. I depend on external approval to make me feel valuable.Â
Bingo.
That last question took me over an hour to answer. Thatâs the power of the 5-Why method. If you havenât done it, honestly, stop reading now and take 5 minutes. It will be worth it.
It isnât always 5-Whyâs. Sometimes its 3, or 7, but you always know when you reach the source of the problem. Itâs that question that challenges you right to the core. Itâs often very difficult to answer. Answering mine made me very uncomfortable.
Itâs like restoring an old piece of furniture. You have to peel back all the layers of paint that Iâve used to cover over the underlying issue. As you go deeper, it gets harder and harder to uncover the raw wood underneath. And when you get there, it sticks out like a sore thumb. Ah-ha! There it is.
Start small
So youâve identified the root cause of your issue. Now what?
Come up with a solution that counteracts your specific problem. Going back to my problem: How do I find stop depending on external approval?
Hmmm, another tough one.Â
One thing I do know for sure: there is no silver-bullet. Fixing something so ingrained in your mental make up can never be fixed with an overnight solution. It takes little steps that add up - making a 1% improvement every single day.Â
I can hear you asking, âWhat are you going to do every day to stop seeking external approval?â
Great question.Â
The best answer I can come up with is that thereâs no reason to look for external approval, because in actual fact, no one cares about me - or you.Â
Sorry to burst your bubble.
We are all so inherently narcissistic and involved in our own worlds, we rarely pay meaningful attention to others.Â
So while Iâm sitting in that meeting stressing about the bead of sweat on my brow and what a nervous wreck I look like - twiddling my pen around and incessantly - the person opposite me is probably so focused on trying to convince me of what he is trying to say that he doesnât even notice.Â
Maybe she does notice. Chances are, she likely doesnât care. Everyone sweats - so what.Â
Every time you find yourself getting nervous, or a little bit of doubt creeps into your mind, stop and take a moment.Â
Challenge yourself.Â
Ask why youâre getting nervous and then remind yourself that whatever it is, you more than likely donât have to worry about it right now.
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As you continually do this, your mind will slowly start to come to the realisation that the fight-or-flight response is not always necessary. The little steps and improvements you make each day reinforce this.Â
Practice Being Confident Everyday
For those of us who are not naturally confident, itâs a skill that needs to be learnt and improved. And as with every other skill, you need to work at it to get better.
Here are a few tools Iâve used to help me be more confident:
Start with questions
As an introvert, it is sometimes easy to be mistaken for a pushover, because we choose to remain silent and not voice our opinions. One way to make sure people know youâre confident and engaged is to ask poignant question. Remember thereâs no such thing as an incorrect question.
By asking valuable questions you make people think about something in a different way. And when you get asked a question that makes you question the way youâre thinking about something, it makes you consider someone elseâs point of view.
Thoughtful questions are often more powerful than any statements. Use them to your advantage.
Ask for help
There is almost no employer in the modern workplace that would deny you resources to help you do your job effectively. Thereâs nothing wrong with saying to your boss, or superior, âIâm a bit uncomfortable running this meeting on my own because I donât feel like I know the material required. Would you mind if you sat in with me so I know if I canât answer anything, youâll be around.â
You might think it seems like a weak move, but it also tells your boss youâre serious about the reputation of the company.
Thereâs nothing wrong with asking for help, as long as you donât waste other peopleâs time and resources by doing it repeatedly without showing improvement.
Do it in a comfortable space
If youâre not comfortable doing any of these techniques around strangers or work colleagues then start small.
Start with close friends and family. Build up your confidence and then take it into more unfamiliar situations.
Donât dwell in the âcomfort-zoneâ too long, though!
Hold eye contact
When youâre speaking with someone, maintain eye contact until they look away. Not only does it tell them youâre engaged, it also means you have something to concentrate on.
Maintain a powerful stance
Shy, introverted, people often have very sullen, closed-off body posture.
Look at all the most powerful people in the world. When they give speeches or interact with important people, they all have similar, strong, body posture.
To portray confidence, stand (or sit) up straight. Lengthen your spine, shoulders back, chest out. Yes, really.
Just by doing this, youâre sending your subconscious a message that youâre powerful and confident.
None of our early ancestors won any fights by curling up into a little ball. They had to make themselves look big, intimidating, and powerful.
Speak slower
You can always go slower. None of the most powerful speeches in the world were rushed. Nelson Mandela was a master at this.
Speak clearly and slowly and your message will naturally come across more eloquently, and hold more weight and authority.
Say no occasionally
When someone asks for something, just say, âNoâ or, âUnfortunately notâ. Let it play out, and then give them your actual response, or stick with no if you mean it.
This works best with friends and family.
Saying no is another reminder to your subconscious that youâre in control. It seems juvenile, but knowing you have the ability to command your day to day outcomes is inherently powerful.
Remember why you got hired
The company youâre working for was looking for a particular set of skills to help it grow.Â
They chose you.Â
In an interview process, you were the rose amongst the thorns. Everyone else got weeded out until you were the one they selected - remember that.
What skills or capacity are you bringing to the table that your company wouldnât have without you? Double down on those skills. Every time you sit at your desk and exercise them, remind yourself: This is why Iâm here, this is why Iâm needed.
Take stock of your progress and success
As your confidence grows and your brain develops these new pathways, take stock of your successes.Â
When you leave a meeting having reached a successful deal through a bit of negotiation, take note of that success. Pat yourself on the back. Gee, well done Simon, that was a real win.Â
Noting your progress gives you the motivation to keep growing.Â
So go on, be confident. Back yourself - few others will if you donât.
Interested in becoming your own boss?
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